the importance of being idle...: December 2005

‘Cause this angel has flown away from me
Leaving me in drunken misery
I should have clipped her wings
And made her mine for all eternity

Now this angel has flown away from me
Thought I had the strength to set her free
I did what I did because I love her so
Will she ever find her way back home to me.."

-Heaven Knows(This Angel has Flown)
by Orange and Lemons

I like this song by Orange and Lemons..Not just because of the catchy melody but because it tells my story..Six months have passed and i've been doin' the same..

"There are times when I’m lying in my bed..How I bellow and cry from this stupid get. And my eyes are like windshields on a rainy day almost rubbed-out, swelling as I keep on digging my face in these cold hands of mine..Heaven knows how embittered I am.."

There have been times when i nearly gave up, thinking nobody can ever replace a love, which seemed to me like almost incomparable..It wasn't that easy for me to let go..The memories of the past four years with her still plays like a James Bond film in my mind..It hurts deeper than i thought it did..It has not healed with time, It just shot down my spine..I can say that I've died a thousand deaths, i've cried gallons of tears, and i've spent so many sleepless nights..Before I finally convinced myself( with the help of some friends ) that it's time to raise the white flag and give up..

I’m so tired, I feel like catching forty-winks
Being up all night in this elbow-room that puts me in a trance
Where hopes and dreams come true
Now, my lips are burning and my eyes are hurting
From these fumes I make, still I light another cigarette
Just to pass my time, oh, heaven knows how embittered I am..

So I decided to let go, and with that I started avoiding her..Though it pains me not to talk to her or even greet her in a crowd..It would be very stupid to say that I don't love her anymore because the truth is, I still do..I loved her so much..I can never imagine that one day these would happen..To see someone so dear to you trying so hard not to cry..I know because can i see in her eyes that she never meant it to be this way too..But things are so complicated specially with her family..If only i looked like Jackie Chan maybe things would be very different..Maybe there are many things that even I cannot explain but we both knew that this was the big sacrifice we have to make..I know she didn't want me to be completely out of her life because she offered friendship..But I respectfully declined..I know i can never be a friend to her..And we'll just keep on hurting each other until it comes to a point where we will never want to see each other again..

So where am i right now? I'm trapped inside yesterday where i'm living my life in fast forward just to catch up with today..Spending this shit good lifestyle with old friends, listening to an endless playlist of hard rock songs, started a band again, and starting a new life with my hands inside my empty pockets..Looking around to find that someone who deserves to be loved..And true enough i found them..I may not have a special someone this christmas, but i know i've shared love and happiness to those who really needed it the most..I may have died the whole six months but soon..I know, I will reincarnate and things will be a lot different..THE END.

To my true bestfriend, Gaie, i didn't understand why you have to leave all of us so soon. But now, I know that you have been assigned by GOD to guide me( am i too old for that?! )..I trully missed you and i know things could've been much easier with you around.."to touch you again with life in your hands.." I really really wished you were here..I will forever miss you..

Happiness is the realization that everything was, and is, exactly as it should be..